#121 - What the Heck Just Happened... MS and/or Lupus?

Thursday was rheumy day.

For the unitiated...

rheumy stands for rheumatologist, the specialist who usually treats people with lupus.

This last office visit felt pretty routine until I got in the car with my husband and started thinking on the way home:

"What the heck just happened?!"

Yes, it was one of those type of appointments.

I have been given a referral to a sinus specialist...
which has been expected.

But, I also am going to be referred to ANOTHER neurologist...

this one an expert on multiple sclerosis...

also known as MS.

Being my usual blunt self, I asked during the rheumy visit, "Do you think I have MS?"

"Oh...

no, no, no...

but, you should really consider seeing this neurologist," replied the physician's assistant.

So, I am exhausted during this office visit. The car ride alone knocks the tar out of me. My husband is in the office with me, speaking up for me when I can't.

The Physician's Assistant, who has been with me going on four years now, has a look on her face, that I recognize.

"The Look"

That's the one you get from medical professionals when they are taking you VERY seriously, and there is no doubt that something worrisome is on its way.

I know I am backsliding.

I know that when I speak, I sometimes sound "off".

I realize that I have tremors and spasms.

I have darn near bit my tongue tip off when my jaw decides to slam shut for no apparent reason.

I am very well aware of the fact that the rheumy has been prescribing medications used for patients with MS.

And my mind is not the mind I had ten years ago.

The race horse brain that I used to easily race up and down through many a thought and idea... is now a mere pony traipsing through an itty bitty corral.

I know something is wrong.

And I did not give it one ounce of attention during the office visit and the testing and the bone scans and the talk of medications and the further appointments that will be required.

I got in our car totally devoid of emotion...

and so exhausted that I immediately started to doze during the 45 minute ride home.

And I awoke with a start halfway on that trip home, nauseous and mind reeling.

I know this feeling... it is fear.

This awful feeling of my body saying "I can't stomach this."

But, I will.

Jerry buys lunch in the drive through as he rushes me home. He has to get back to his job.

And I eat because my body demands food after several blood draws... it says "Hurry up and feed me!"

The afternoon is busy...

the cleaning helpers come through our little cottage, filling it with bustle and noise...

no time for me to think about the morning appointment.

And then Little Bear flies off the bus and into my arms, excited about school.

A belated Valentine's party, his birthday the next day, and dealing with a behavior oopsie that needed some guidance from a worn out and confused Mommy.

And before I know it the day has slipped through my hands...

and I know I must say something to Jerry before my mind goes blank and I forget what has happened this day.

In the kitchen, in the midst of the first quiet of the day...

I tell him...

"If I really have MS..."

"Yes?" he asks.

"If I really have MS... I don't want to know about it."

And Jerry tries to talk sensible to me.

But, I am not in the mood to be sensible.

I am in the mood for living
and celebrating my little boy's birthday the next day.

I am in the mood of forgetting.

I am in the mood to refuse to lose any more ground than has already been lost.

I have no more room in my life for one more hurdle to climb over.
As far as I am concerned...

a hurdle NOT of my own making.

I laid down in bed that night and recited my prayers like I always do.

But, I did something that I have not done since I can not remember when.

I just prayed:

"Dear Jesus...

please, please, please...

heal me."