#189- ENJOY THE PLEASURE OF BEING ALIVE

Today's horoscope informed me that I needed to "Enjoy the pleasure of being alive".

Okay.... yes!

I admit this...

I read my daily horoscope.

So now that we are all over that shocking revelation...

I found today's suggestion to be quite timely.

I received the confirmed diagnosis of Systemic Lupus Erythematosis five years ago come this May.

In the 1950's the five year survival rate for lupus patients was only 50%... one out of two patients. Lupus was considered a "death sentence".

By the 1990's the 10 year survival rate had been hovering at 90% and the 20 year survival rate at 70%.

So, I am lucky to be alive and letting everyone know I am close to hitting the five year mark. (Although any lupus patient can tell you they have had lupus for YEARS before receiving a confirmed diagnosis).

I totally and completely forgot to enjoy life for quite awhile after the diagnosis was confirmed. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and get on with the dying part because dealing with living with lupus part was so overwhelming.

You grieve.

Just like when someone you love dies, you grieve.

But, with lupus, there is no moment of finality... no funeral, no grave to visit.

You grieve for what you have lost due to the disease.

Many lupus patients lose friendships. We lose our careers, we lose financial security, we lose marriages, we lose our independence, we even lose our sense of who we are.

And all of this loss isn't bundled up into a Hollywood movie moment where we sigh, cry and move on...

no...

The grief is complicated because what brings the suffering on is so unpredictable.

So enjoying life is a rather scary leap of faith.

If we allow ourselves to ENJOY we are risking losing that time of ENJOYING to feeling more deeply the pain of loss that could revisit us at the most unexpected moments.

To "enjoy the pleasure of being alive" when you have been hit with a chronic disease that is as unpredictable as a raging bull....

Well, that takes a load of courage.

Depression?

Heck, I can deal with that. I have lived with depression so thoroughly for so long... it feels normal.

But, to let myself go and risk feeling pleasure... to feel pure joy...

that requires courage.

I think I have known for a long time that when our hearts have been profoundly broken with deep sorrow... something inside us breaks through to allow us to feel the deepest liberating joy too.

It's like a ying/yang thing.

So today I am going to surrender to joy.

Little Bear is home from scholl today due to a heavy ice storm that hit our region. Having a 9 year old house elf at home for the day is cause enough for pure joy.

I think I am going to just follow his lead for the rest of the day and see where life leads us.



RESOURCES:http://www.emedicine.com/med/byname/Systemic-Lupus-Erythematosus-and-Pregnancy.htm