#165 - Stress + Mess = Depression

I have been doing battle with depression...

again.

I had made huge plans for September on launching my website and really throwing myself into several creative projects.

I knew I was going to be very lonely once Little Bear returned to school, and I also knew I would have more time to devote to writing.

But, I had not planned on the following:

1. The Nurse Practitioner at my rheumy's practice resigned.

I have cried several times over this. She is a sweetheart and had been the primary supportive person on my treatment team. She is an excellent listener, never rushed, and always full of trying to find a way to work through each problem that lupus was throwing at me.

I knew the resignation was coming, and I understand the need for it... but the selfish part of me really, really is frazzled.

Since she's been gone... my medications keep getting messed up and now I have to start over again with new frontline care people who don't know me or my needs.

I have had trouble getting my pain medications filled properly, to my anti-depressants taken care of.

With all the juggling with the anti-depressants (for almost a FULL WEEK)... I am a mess.

2. My medication regimen has been screwed up.

As stated above.

After 5 years of being with my rheumy... I feel like a new patient. My pain has been managed well until three months ago.

As many of you with chronic pain know... there are times when you need less or more pain medication depending on your symptoms. In all my time as a patient with my rheumy... I have been treated respectfully, but now... because the frontline care is new... I had to spend way too much time on the phone explaining my pain management to the new NP AND having her request that I talk to my pharmacy because her office made a mistake!

And being treated like the NP did not believe me.

How many of you have been through that revolving door?

It is humiliating isn't it?

3. Emotional Distress

There are always going to be some people in your life who are going to throw a bowling ball at you when you are drowning.

I have had a few too many bowling ball tossers in a short span of four weeks.

(Thank you to all those special neices, nephews, and their spouses who helped me dodge a few bowling balls by offering respite, or sending a note, or visiting. And to all my e-mail and phone buddies.)

4. Trying to do too much.

I still try to live every day like I don't have lupus.

So when the fatigue jumps up and bites... I have no one to blame but myself.

And the type of depression I struggle with grows in the fertile soil of fatigue.

So what to do?

Well, this morning, while sitting in my pajamas still at 11 a.m. and eating a vanilla pudding cup for breakfast... I said to myself...

"This has got to stop."

So here I am trying to take control of this depression.

The best thing I know how to do when I am like this is to write.

(Oh, and to stop eating sugar for breakfast... and to GET DRESSED!)

The physical pain is really bad today, but I am hoping if I can just get this brain in between my ears to get working... I can channel my attention away from the pain.

I already have actively taken control of what I can control reguarding stress and setting healthy emotional boundaries from bowling ball tossers.

And in writing this... I now feel silly for feeling sorry for myself.

Why?

1. I have a doctor and health care.

2. My medication problem has been resolved and I go for a follow-up appointment with my rheumy AND primary care doctor next month.

3. I know how to dodge bowling balls.

4. There are so many people I love, and who love me in return. It is way too easy when one is depressed to remember that.

5. I am in control of managing my activity level... I will give myself permission to slow down and to rest.

(Just gotta work out the feeling guilty part).

So just remember folks:

STRESS + MESS = DEPRESSION

For tips on managing depression symptoms try these links:

Recovering from Depression: Self-Help, Coping Tips, and Support

Understanding Depression: Psychological Self-Help

You can read more of my blog entries about DEPRESSION here:

DEPRESSION